Weathered & Rough

Weathered Plywood

I shot this at my house and it really connected.

It’s How I Feel

I’m really having a tough time looking at Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) as another possible diagnosis. I feel raw and I’m not sure about how I will start to heal and move forward. I do know that this Blog and Podcast project has helped tremendously.

I know that I’m not alone, even though I haven’t come across anyone yet with PNES. I’m just starting research regarding causes, symptoms, treatments, prognosis, etc. And, I can only do so much research before I get pretty darn sad. It’s the same way for me with CRPS. It can get depressing to read about.

I want to be optimistic, but I’m thinking that’s been part of my problem. I have been accused of being too positive before—I guess that’s a thing.

Being too optimistic means I have stuffed down the problem. The problem? Trauma. Multiple traumas, including repeating molestation and incest as a child, causing dissociation and dysthymia. Yep, I’m a highly functioning person living with comorbidity. Now, everyone knows, and I am glad. I’m tired of hiding it. (I hope that doesn’t keep you away from me… I suppose that’s the real fear; being alone.)

I’m also certain that the repeated traumas in my life have something to do with my being highly sensitive and intuitive. I used to get hurt very easily socially and psychologically. I probably still do but know how to shut it down quickly all under the guise of emotional intelligence.

I can’t tell you how many times as a child I heard, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The reason I bring up being highly sensitive is that other people have experienced similar emotional pain and trauma, and they’ve survived. I feel very deeply, which has made me susceptible to additional pain. Go figure that CRPS is the most extreme kind of pain one can experience.

Perhaps, I’m punishing myself undeservedly. I can see that. I feel illogical that it was somehow my fault. I don’t remember ever being told that, but it’s possible. I’ll have to ask God to show me what happened in more detail so that I can process the information and begin to heal.

Sincerely weathered,

Jana

P.S.: Stay strong.

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