Keep Climbing

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Photo by boris misevic on Unsplash

Emotions of Chronic Pain & Illness

I can get very down when I’m in extra pain, or when I fall and get hurt. I get especially depressed when I’m going through it alone—in an empty house because everyone is off living their lives.

Listen, I’ve had CRPS in my left foot for 18 years, but it got significantly worse six years ago. I have processed negative emotions repeatedly. They don’t just go away. We don’t get over it, because it’s always there.

This is a problem, not only for us but for everyone we live with and love. I must point out here that CRPS has been dubbed the “suicide disease” for a reason. It’s hard to grieve the life I thought I was going to have, and to look at such a painful and lonely future.

I realized today that I’m disappointed in God. I’ve worked through being mad at Him more than once, but I never used the word “disappointed” before. I’m disappointed that my life is not full, rich or abundant. I’m not fruitful when I spend days in bed. And the only thing I want to do is serve God. I suppose the disappointment is that it’s hard to see my life becoming more than what it is today. It’s hard to see how I am going to be a good disciple from where I’m sitting. That hurts.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have hope. It’s just cloudy when there’s so much pain.

So, I must live one day at a time.

One day. What I can do today is pray. For all of us who live with pain and suffering. I pray we remember that God’s grace is sufficient and that when we are weak, He can be strong through us.

With all the grace I can muster,

Jana

P.S.: Let’s keep climbing. We’ll make it.

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